No amount of success can heal a person's soul.

How much can one expect to learn in a day? Generally--I learn quite a bit about the world around me. Rarely do I learn as much about myself as I have in my journey from Longview to Atlanta today.

On my flights, I took time to continue reading Velvet Elvis (which I started a while ago...and I am completely enthralled with.) I attached the link because you need to read it. It will change the way you view your faith. It will at least make you question everything--and I think that's a great thing in everyone's life.

"...for no amount of success can heal a person's soul...If you have issues surrounding your identity, those issues will not go away if you "make it." They will be there until they are hunted down and identified and dealt with...The lies that tell you success and achievement will fix it? They won't. You will be the same person, only you'll have more of everything, and that includes pain." "I spend a lot of time dealing with other people's pain. And when I am dealing wiht theirs, then I don't have time to think about my own...As long as I am going and going and going, I don't have to stop and face my own pain."

Rob Bell goes on to talk about how he has a "false sense of guilt and subsequent shame because [he] believed deep down that [he] wasn't working hard enough. And [he] believed the not-working-hard-enough lie because [he] didn't function like a superpastor."

I leveled with him. I found myself staring out the window of the airplane with a tear in my eye, trying to figure out why this was burning me deep in my soul. It's because I am that. I have this Super...Whatever inside of me that is something I'm trying to live up to--I've been trying to since I was a kid. There's a difference in striving for goals and striving for an image of what is impossible.

This is something I'm dealing with inside myself right now. Sometimes in my life, I come to a point where I realize things have built up and I must strip away to find myself in it all again. I think it's time.

I am developing a deep seeded, burning desire for authenticity.

How can you point people in a direction that you aren't familiar with? How can you offer something to people that you don't possess? I am ready to just get real. Raw. No covers, bearing my soul to the world. I don't really know how...but I think it's time to find out. I have to kill this SuperWhatever inside of me that is terrified to be vulnerable and raw and real and authentic.

Later in the chapter, Rob Bell states something that unleashed an emotion in me so strong; I haven't felt something that intangible feel so real in a long time. He said, "...it is possible to be a Christian...and never let Jesus heal you soul."

I believe that. And I don't want to be one of those Christians. Why be that way?? Why live something and believe something and refuse to let it change me?? Why refuse to offer my vulnerability for the sake of saving a few minutes of the pain of a hurting reality and forfeit a soul that is restored to the fullest??

What does it mean to let Jesus fully heal your soul? To stop relying on others to make you feel accomplished and worth while? To truly feel like a restored person--to be on the path to (notice I didn't say arriving at...) the perfection that He planned for us in the beginning?

I don't know...but I think I'm gonna find out. I don't think I have a choice anymore. It's something my soul is craving. Something more than what I am now.

I'm about to figure out exactly who He created me to be right now. I'm going to be okay with me--everything--from my pale skin to my crazy dry curls...from my imperfect body to my slightly neurotic personality...from my intense desire to see other people restored to my confusion over the gospel and counseling and other things I'd like to think I'm good at.

In the words of Marie (Mar-ee-ay) Digby, You're about to watch me unfold.

I know...I know...most people don't even look at this anymore.

But I miss it! And I think it's time to pick up the ole blogspot that's been soo good to me over hte past five years.

Hmmm...December was my last post. How embarassing. I guess the combative world of Myspace vs. Facebook just left Blogspot in the dust for a while. Poor blogspot...probably thought I was leaving it for a newer, younger, better version.

::hearing music in the background..."There's no tenderness like before in your fingertiiippppsss.....you've lost that loving feeling, whoa that loving feeling...now it's gone, gone, gone, whoa whoa whoa"::

But nay--I have not abandoned my first love. (Keeping the world updated on my world since 2003.)


Gosh, tons of stuff has gone on. I'll have to update a little at a time.

I will say one thing...between both of our full time jobs, and both doing grad work part time...we're lucky to get good conversations in at night when we're both so drained from the day. One thing--fall means the onset of the best TV. Ugly Betty is my hero. America's Next Top Model is my guilty pleasure. And this me watching the stupid girls on Beauty and the Geek.




I'm baaaaack!

Ho Ho Jolly Jingle Bells

Frost on the cars in the morning, sweaters, hoodies, cold noses, shivers, breath in the air… It’s a beautiful time of year!

I love this time of year! I mean, birthday and Christmas definitely add to the greatness, but it’s not just the actual holiday that I love. Presents are great…a day when everything is all about me is great…but I really just love the whole Holiday Season. Starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years…this is my favorite time of year. My apartment has been decorated since two weeks before Thanksgiving. There are already goodies in the stockings! And we celebrated my birthday this past weekend (a few days early…finals are MEAN this year!!)

I’m blessed with a wonderful husband…six and a half months. The time has flown…but I’m so excited for our first holidays together! He starts my car ten minutes before work every morning so I won’t freeze as I leave. Now that’s love. :)

I think what makes this season so wonderful to me is how the celebration reaches everyone. There are no requirements beyond desire to participate in festive activities. The old, the young, the poor, the wealthy, men, women, children, different cultures, races, ethnicities, and backgrounds; everyone can share in the warm wishes of the coldest season of holidays. It makes me smile inside. Right now, my favorite thing is sitting on my couch looking at my lit tree and stockings hung from my TV…maybe one day I’ll have a mantle! But in an apartment, you improvise!

Well, I think I’ll end this post here, but I’m going to try to post more often. It’s been too long!

Love, love.

Ok, I have to post this story:

First off, I absolutely love being married. It is so much different than I could have imagined; the day in and day out is not something that is comprehensible until you’re actually taking part in it. But it is too much fun! When you live alone and are as busy as we are, that other person really becomes your best friend. You talk about whatever, you disagree, you learn that things really don’t have to be as you envision. You also often realize that the other person’s vision of what should be is often better than your own. Then you begin to see yourself working as a team. It takes time and patience to become a well-oiled machine, but the first time you see yourself as one, really seeing yourselves fall into pace without discussions or plans, it’s the most encouraging thing I can think of.

Ok, now for non-mushiness. For those of you how know Ben and me, you can only imagine what it’s like on a daily basis. We have a blast. With a big mix of our antics, smart mouths, and sneakiness occasionally...we just have a good time. Here’s a story from the lives of us:

When we do laundry, honey, we DO laundry. Our schedules are such that, at best, we do laundry once a week. Now, realize that “doing laundry” at our apartment is not what it is for most people. I had grown accustomed to the mindset of the following: “Suuure, throw it all in there. Just wash it all on cold. There’s only one white tank top, so it won’t hurt it to be washed with all those other dark ones.”

Such is not the case with Benjamin Shelton. Ben washes clothes like Martha Stuart. (Don’t get me wrong, I’d never go back.) But there is a dark/warm load, a dark/cold load, a white load, a colored load, and towels. Now, add that to my obsession that all laundry detergent, fabric softener, and dryer sheets MUST smell alike, and you have one heckuva laundry day.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Ben HATES to fold laundry. That boy will clean the kitchen all day long. He’ll vacuum, scrub, dust, take out trash, etc. without ever being reminded. (He actually sees that it needs to be done…I’m one lucky woman.) But he hates to fold, hang, and put up clothes. So, I normally do it. He does too much else for me to complain.

Well, the other day, I was taking care of my laundry and hanging my pants. Ben was doing the same and had just begun to fold his shirts. He asked me what the weather was going to be like today. I said that I didn’t know. So, he said, “Baby, would you mind going to check the weather on the comput…um…I mean would you mind folding these shirts for a minute?” and he walked out of the room to go check the weather on the computer. I laughed as I started folding his shirts. “Honey,” I said, “do you think that it wasn’t obvious to me what just went on? Honestly, you weren’t that sneaky.” Of course, he had NO idea what I was talking about…until he realized that I won’t have the wool pulled over my eyes! Then he confessed and said that I shouldn’t be mad because, “One time, I hung up one of your shirts.”

I love living with a boy. ;)

Do you ever wonder how many people you actually are connected to in some way or another?

I mean, I was thinking this today as I sat with a classmate from this training I'm doing. Her name is Jennifer and she is a Substance Abuse Specialist for West Plano ISD. I have met her and about 20 other people this week that are all in the prevention field...it's been really cool.

Now this didn't really strike me until I looked at my blog today. I mean I have a hit count of over 32,000. Now, grantid, it's about 2 or 2 and a half years worth of counting. But still...that's a lot. When I put that counter up, it was for the purpose of seeing how many hits I got per day. Well, today I found out that they break it down for you. Since I put that counter up two or two and a half years ago, almost 6000 different people have looked at my blog. The first thing I thought was, "I don't even know that many people." hahaha.

Just something that makes you think.


On the other hand...I'm so ready to go back home and be with my husband. Today is Thursday evening...I've been in Dallas for four full days now...since Sunday evening. I get to drive home tomorrow. This training was amazing...I learned SO MUCH. But I am definitely ready to be back home with Ben.

By the way, if you want to know the new research on the brain and how alcohol affects teen's brains...ASK ME. It's new...it's so interesting.

I'm a ho.

Ok, maybe not, but Thaddaeus might call me something similar and dump all my kudos if I don't post!! I know...even my husband has asked me why I don't post anymore...it's a shame!!

I was planning to update on my (our) life soon! Thanks, Thad, for the friendly push to do so now.

First off: School
I will finish my first grad class on Thursday. Weird. Holy cow, that means I have 3 of 60 hours completed. Only 57 to go!! woo hooo!!!

Second off: Job
My job is cool. I have now been there six weeks. In that time, I coordinated an event for the City of Longview in which over 5400 people participated. It was fantastic...I felt incredibly validated in myself as a careerperson. It actually even increased my confidence in myself concerning grad school. I suppose I just feel like I can be successful. (I've always thought it, but actually doing something that is considered a success by hundreds (thousands) of other people kinda backs it up.)

Third off: What am I typing on right now?
My new toy...here it is:

I love it! Ben is so pleased with himself...I've turned into a mac-lover in a matter of two days. It's so cool...the little camera on top of the screen...so easy to use...life is better with a mac.

Last, but not least: My bonus for getting the computer

Oh yeah, baby. 30gig Ipod video. Ben got it for me when he ordered my laptop. (Some kind of student discount deal.) Regardless, he got it for me and it's on it's way. So, I basically got two of my dream pieces of electronic equipment in a matter of days. I am like a kid in a candy store.

For those of you who know what kind of computers I had in college, you understand how ecstatic I am to have a DVD player, CD-RW, wireless, blah blah blah. I talked to Brad today and he laughingly said, "Deena, of anyone I know, you deserve to have a reliable computer in college."

It made me smile. I miss undergrad lately...that's a whole different post. In fact, it may be the topic of my next one.

The only thing I can say is that my life now if fantastic. I have the most amazing husband in the world. We have such a blast! Today, we sat on the couch laughing and joking around as we watched a movie. We laughed and joked around so much I was falling off the couch. I had to redo my hair and makeup before we went to home groups tonight... :-P Marriage is a blast...I recommend a good marriage to anyone. ;)

Love me. <3

So work…yeah…

I got my job. I’m a Prevention Specialist for the City of Longview’s Partners in Prevention Program. A mouth full, I know. I have been feeling much more accomplished the past week and a half. It’s funny to me how different people are validated by different things. For me, making a difference in a work setting is really important. That is, right after my husband telling me that I’m doing a great job at…well, anything really. Verbal compliments keep me running…kind of funny to think that just people speaking well to me makes me want to do better. (Man, I should have gone for like money rewards or something instead, right??)

I’m learning so much every day. It’s easy to say you’ve learned important things when you’re single…but when you live with someone else and actually have to live them out, it gets much tougher! I mean, the world really isn’t all about me. I don’t really have to do things my way all the time. My ideas aren’t really the best on most occasions. (I still like to entertain those thoughts in my head…but you begin to see how faulty they are when you live with someone who is a good example of humility and patience.) Can you tell that I am loving married life and enjoying living with my husband? It’s probably the best decision I’ve made…marrying that guy. He sure is a keeper. He’s so supportive and loving…and we have a blast together.

I think one of my favorite things of all time is how much we laugh together. When we’re hanging out and joking around, I feel like I’m hanging out with a best friend from forever ago that has known me all of my life. It’s in the moments that I’m bent over, laughing so hard that my eyes are squinty, I can’t breathe, my face is red, and I’m probably snorting…that I realize how boring my life was before I met him.

So yeah…we’re in Longview still. Hit me up if you’re still here and I haven’t seen you in million years!